February 2012
2 posts
Feb 19th
2 notes
Feb 16th
10 notes
January 2012
10 posts
Last night in my friend’s bed, about to fall asleep, when we both heard someone knocking on the window. But YOU GUYS, we were on the second floor!!!!!! I’ve been terrified ever since.
Jan 29th
3 notes
Jan 24th
The psychic said someone tall from my past is going to come back into my life in a very serious relationship/marriage, and I keep laughing at the tall guys I’ve dated, because they are all kind of the worst.
Jan 22nd
4 notes
1 tag
Jan 21st
2 tags
Jan 21st
9 notes
Totally gonna fuck Lana del ray tonight.
Jan 15th
4 notes
Jan 12th
1 note
1 tag
Jan 11th
7 notes
Jan 6th
9 notes
Jan 5th
7 notes
December 2011
13 posts
1 tag
Dec 31st
1 tag
Resolutions
1) Stop telling people I’m mentally ill 2) Eat MORE things that taste fantastic 3) While getting super skinny    3b) To the point where people will ask if I’m ok 4) Stop having unprotected sex/no babies in 2012 5) Do laundry more than once every two months 6) Stop talking about death on dates (it does not show I’m “easygoing”) 7) Avoid freak escalator...
Dec 29th
12 notes
Dec 25th
4 notes
Dec 25th
7 notes
christopherlindstrom asked: Congrats on being an underrated twitterer. You'll always be my ride or die boo.
Dec 22nd
3 notes
Dec 22nd
14 notes
Dec 22nd
4 notes
1 tag
140 Underrated Tweeters
tracymarquez: Every end of the year Twitter list of “who to follow” always includes every person we already follow. So I decided to take it upon myself to make a list of 140 underrated, super funny tweeters with less than 20,000 followers. Enjoy. Follow. Share. And don’t suck dick for money. Read More Yes, I am included on this list but I am sharing it because this is honestly the best. SO...
Dec 22nd
262 notes
Dec 16th
3 notes
2 tags
Dec 16th
6 notes
Dec 14th
Dec 1st
From my new line of FB e-cards: “We met at the grocery store once. Sorry your mom died.”
Dec 1st
3 notes
November 2011
12 posts
1 tag
Dear Abby, Today my boss got mad and said “Cuntswaggler!” or something. I know he was embarrassed by his language, and I want to respect that. Is there a discreet way to ask him what swear he said? Sincerely, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT WORD IT WAS
Nov 30th
Nov 28th
Nov 26th
1 note
ListenListen
Nov 22nd
1 note
1 tag
Nov 20th
7 notes
Nov 20th
2 notes
Nov 18th
Is this what happiness feels like? I feel weird!
Nov 5th
Nov 4th
Nov 3rd
3 notes
Nov 3rd
7 notes
Nov 2nd
2 notes
October 2011
37 posts
Oct 31st
3 notes
1 tag
Chris D’Elia tonight! Conan O’Brien Wednesday! Comedy!
Oct 30th
Oct 29th
Oct 29th
Oct 28th
4 notes
Have you ever wanted to cry when Maggie May comes on at Great Lakes ME NEITHER me neither me neither
Oct 28th
3 tags
Oct 27th
Oct 27th
900 notes
Oct 26th
9 notes
3 tags
Tomorrow night! UCB East! 7:00PM! Michael Kupperman, Kate Beaton, Julia Wertz, Ted Travelstead and Sam Grittner. Come on out! Comedy! Fuck yeah!
Oct 25th
10 notes
5 tags
Oct 24th
Morgan Spurlock’s kid just dumped apple juice and glass all over my friend Steve. You can expect to see a documentary about it this spring.
Oct 23rd
3 notes
Oct 22nd